Diary of An Unrepentant Sex Addict

Monday, April 25, 2005

Bending Over, Just Not Backwards

On one of my trips to London, I saw a show on some BBC channel called Digital Sex that featured Alexis Arquette. He referred to "The Order of the Snake Eating Its Tail" (though that symbolism already has various meanings in other cultures).

That is, he was talking about auto-fellatio.

This is something with which I have direct experience. And I'm actually not (too) ashamed to admit it. It all started when I was about 15, and it came about (so to speak) through an unlikely combination of flexibility, determination, and physical fortune...

I had discovered masturbation already, but I was already wanting more than it had to offer. I was deathly shy around girls in school. I knew of at least one or two friends who were already having sex, and I hated being limited to fantasies. But I was. So I was trying to come up with interesting alternatives to plain old stroking off. I don't know when I started thinking about it, but at some point, as I was seated and stroking, it seemed that the distance between my mouth and my penis wasn't that far. As it would happen, I hadn't really had any bisexual leanings at this point. I guess the thought of sucking my own dick didn't register as "gay" in my brain. But I couldn't quite reach!

I experimented with different chairs, trying to find one that was the right height for sitting in such that my pelvis could be tilted slightly upward. Turns out that the toilet was just right (with the lid down, of course). But that didn't quite bridge the gap by itself. At this point, I was maybe 2-3 inches away from reaching. I couldn't even hit the tip with my tongue. I was not going to be denied!

For weeks, I diligently tried each night. I stretched and relaxed. I wasn't in great shape, but I was active-enough to be in decent shape. I was also fairly limber, maybe because of the unusual exercises that being in marching band called for. Who knows? What I do know is that after about a month, my perserverance paid off. I was able to swab the head with my tongue. It wasn't exactly Deep Throat, but it was a start. And it was a damn sight better than my hand. I had an amazing orgasm that first time. But I wasn't ready to declare victory just yet. I was sure I could do more.

After weeks more of exercise and stretching, I finally did it: I got my mouth around the head. I felt like I had discovered a cure for cancer. At last! No longer would I have to overcome shyness, just to get oral copulation! I could only manage the head, but compared to my hand, I was in heaven! So much so, I didn't even give much thought to what was going to happen in, oh, say, about 30 seconds.

When I try to convince a girlfriend to swallow, let's be clear: I know what I'm asking. I know what my own jizz tastes like. I wouldn't exactly try to make a meal of it, but it's not like I'm asking her to drink castor oil.

I was pretty surprised that first time. I had no idea it would be salty. I actually had no real ideas at all-- sex-ed wasn't a very comprehensive class in the Bible Belt. But that all said, I swallowed like a champ. Or, at least, what I expected a champ would do in the same situation. And while it wasn't sweet as candy, it didn't make me gag, either.

Over time, I managed to even get an inch or so past the head. But that was the best I could do. Still, I can't really complain. Nowadays, I'm not as young and not as flexible. I have a spare tire around my waist that gets in the way. It wasn't until I was in my late-20's that I had a partner who told me flat-out that I was well-above-average in both length and girth. When I finally confessed my early achievements to her, she had no trouble believing it because, as she put it, "God covered half the distance for you, already." Unfortunately for her, I was already too out of shape to demonstrate for her. She was dying to see that.

Maybe, when I get to my target weight, I'll look her up.

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  • Wickedly well told, mmmmm!

    By Blogger Freya, at Monday, April 25, 2005 9:41:00 AM  

  • file this under "instant classic". i love the way you weave in pop culture knowledge to punch up your prose. you better save this one in a seperate disk--you don't want to lose rare pearls like these.

    By Blogger laura, at Tuesday, April 26, 2005 8:05:00 PM  

  • Oh God how I've tried and tried, and alas, I have the "middle," too.

    So close, yet so far(typed fat . . . a funny typo).

    All I could ever manage was the "facial."

    Mine is sweet too. How could anyone gag on sweet?

    Maybe I can try pilates. Of course, if I succeded, nobody would ever hear from me again.


    By Blogger Whirlbrain, at Wednesday, April 27, 2005 7:12:00 PM  

  • How could anyone gag on sweet?

    I'd say, as an occasional gagger, that a part of the gagging is from the Ick Factor. Which is to say that I've heard for most of my life that getting bodily fluids in my mouth is gross.

    After I am able to change my line of thinking here, there is the consistancy of semen. This is what makes me gag, not the taste, not even so much the
    Ick Factor.

    The viscosity is what causes me to I gag, when I do, rarely the taste.

    By Anonymous Rachel, at Wednesday, April 27, 2005 9:34:00 PM  

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