Diary of An Unrepentant Sex Addict

Monday, March 21, 2005

What BDSM Means to Me

(First, a note: this is the first post in which I will be discussing male bisexuality. But it almost certainly won't be the last. So if this sort of material is going to gross you out or otherwise offend any delicate sensibilities, you may want to just not visit anymore.)

For many (most) players, BDSM means "Bondage/Discipline and Sado-Masochism". But it can mean other things. For example, it could mean...

Bi, Desperate Sex Maniac


Growing up in Oklahoma, you just had to be careful if you had any feelings that weren't 100% heterosexual. Whether fleeting or concrete, that wasn't the issue. Being beaten for being different was a reality, especially in the mid- to late-eighties. While most people who experience the first impressions of same-sex attraction notice it in junior high or high school, I was in college. Maybe it was because I was raised in an extremely religious (Evangelical fundamentalist) household, but I simply hadn't thought about it before then.

But, as I mentioned before, I had access to the Internet as a CompSci student. And long before the World Wide Web made the net a household word, it was still an amazing portal to smut. Picture-exchange wasn't as widespread, but stories were to be had everywhere. And much to my surprise, I found stories involving men together to be stimulating. I never did anything about it, though. In fact, it would be a good 6-7 years before I acted on it.

So, fast-forward those 6-7 years. During this time, I've been something of an "on paper" bisexual. I've claimed it, but not lived it. To be fair, I was in a long-term relationship at the time. We had an open relationship, but I was too busy with my job to pursue much in the way of secondary partners. Anyway, I came across this site called CruisingForSex.com on the web. Boy, was that an eye-opener! I find out that there's a whole network of casual, anonymous sex, and I'm not getting any of it? Outrage!

So I sank into the whole cruising scene, by this time having moved to California. But all along, I was frequently asking myself: Am I really bi, or am I just enjoying all the head I'm getting? This is a strange subculture, you must understand. It is not unusual for the men involved in cruising who give head to only give it, not expect reciprocation. So, talk about being set, there I was going out most weekends and getting blown by people who know how to handle a dick. But I wasn't interested in a relationship, just an orgasm. I wasn't really doing much at all. Oh, there was this one time at a sex club where I made out with a transvestite for a while, but that was the closest I got.

Am I really bi? I can think of a few celebrities I'd certainly give a toss to-- Alan Cumming, Johnathan Rhys-Myers-- but to be honest I can't say for sure. Getting head, well, I think only the most homophobic of men would really have a problem with getting it from a gay man. Face it, they know what they're doing. And really, you can just close your eyes and pretend it's Angelina Jolie (unless the person has a scratchy beard, I suppose).

Or, more likely, am I just inclined to take sex in any form it's offered?

Dausa

6 Comments:

  • Not BeD'SMessy? I call blow jobs only, "Presidential Sex", mainstreamed by Monica. My five year affair with Boyfriend Number Three consists totally of licking and sucking and swallowing. In fact, I believe I am the down low girl for a few guys. I think you were born ten years too soon. Excluding the princess types, most slutty girls, if they liked you, would suck without strings. The condom generation favors oral. I like men. And I like hard dick. Two or more together at the same place is a turn on. Have you ever touched another guy's erection? Hint: It's strong and pulsating and it wants you to do something about it. Would you?

    By Blogger spankmewithaspoon, at Tuesday, March 22, 2005 4:42:00 AM  

  • I had a similar history - I was a CS major in Oklahoma in the early 80s, and what I found on the internet was a turn-on. But nothing happened until I moved to Dallas in the mid-90s. I'd call myself recreationally bi - enjoying the sex, but not interested in what you'd call a real relationship.

    By Blogger Biff Bartell, at Tuesday, March 22, 2005 8:28:00 AM  

  • I agree that BJs are not the same as penetrative sex, but (to me, at least) they're still sex. Clinton defense or not. (And for the record, I'd have fucked Ms. Lewinsky 'til she had to walk sideways like a crab. All those cracks about her weight and shit were out of line and just not true. She's quite hot-enough to catch my eye.)

    And I have done things, too. It just wasn't as jermaine to the story. I've masterbated other men, and made out once or twice. I did in fact go down on the TV I refer to in the post, albeit briefly. I have figured out that I'm most certainly a "top" in gay male sex terms.

    But I'm still left wondering how much of it is genuine bi-ness, and how much was just a desire for any kind of sexual contact.

    By Blogger Dausa, at Tuesday, March 22, 2005 5:06:00 PM  

  • I've wondered about the same thing for myself. In some ways, bi experimentation made me realize I was MORE het than I thought, in that I realized (like you) I only wanted to have a relationship with someone of the opposite gender. But that didn't stop the sex from being interesting.

    For me, it comes down to fulfillment more than arousal--do you find the bi stuff to be fulfilling? Or passionately arousing, like spankmewithaspoon describes? Or is it just everyday arousing?

    By Blogger Julie, at Tuesday, March 22, 2005 8:43:00 PM  

  • Oh, and don't write off "real" BDSM! Maybe you just haven't connected with your TRUE passion yet, and it lies somewhere beyond male/female.

    By Blogger Julie, at Tuesday, March 22, 2005 8:45:00 PM  

  • The ability to enjoy orgasms produced by both sexes fits my definition of bisexual. But it doesn’t fit you flatly between the being gay and straight. It would if you felt you could feel romantic love for guys.

    I think there’s quite a bit of repressed bisexuality out there. It isn’t lovely but men in prison who’d rather have sex with another male than their fist is a good example.

    By Anonymous Richard, at Tuesday, March 29, 2005 2:05:00 PM  

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