Diary of An Unrepentant Sex Addict

Monday, March 03, 2008

Three Years and Counting

In 2005, I purposefully chose to start this blog on my own birthday. That way, I knew that I'd never forget the blog-birthday. (Though, to be fair, I did forget to mark it one year.)

So, here I am, three years on, and the last year has been an especially trying one. I've come the closest yet towards feeling shame towards these traits that I'm usually embracing. I mean, I never have felt (nor will I ever feel) guilty over my enjoyment of all things sexual and the pleasure they bring. But the events last November and December really drove home how much I had been lying to myself over so many, many years, as to how much I was likely hurting people around me. Indeed, a hallmark indication of addiction, hurting those you care about without necessarily realizing it (or realizing it and just not acknowledging it). And on top of it all, I was let go from my job towards the end of February, largely because I wasn't performing up to par. So I've been dealt an emotional body-blow by all of this, and just have had next to nothing to blog about. An image I sometimes get in my head, is that of a multi-engine plane that has had most of the engines knocked out of commission... it can still fly, but it's going a heck of a lot slower than it used to, and it takes a lot more conscious effort on the part of the pilot to keep it from completely crashing and burning.

And indeed, as bad as I feel, as bad as I've felt these past months, I haven't completely crashed and burned. It may have felt like it at times, but there are plenty of people in far worse circumstances than I am. I'm just in over my own head, it's a relative measure. And it's been the motivation that I needed to get back into therapy and start trying to actually work some of these things out, rather than just perpetually running in circles. The new shrink is quite good-- that, or my decision to be 100% honest and not dodge or "creatively answer" any questions (like I have done in the past) is making a difference. Probably a combination of the two. Plus, she's much more experienced in dealing with people who suffer from Asperger's (she barely batted an eye the week that I noticed some minute detail had changed in the shelves of toys and games she keeps for her child-clients).

So, anyway, happy birthday to me (40! Freakin' 40!), and happy birthday to Dausa (a paltry 3 by comparison). And thanks to everyone who has commented on my various posts these past months, even the self-loathing ones. Thanks to those of you I chat with from time to time, those who send the occasional encouragement in e-mail (and especially thanks to the person who sent me the Valentine's card... you know who you are!). I'm not going anywhere, I assure you. And someday, hopefully soon, I'll be back to regularly posting naughtiness.

(In fact, I may even make an effort to get laid today. I mean, it is my birthday, after all, right?)


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