Diary of An Unrepentant Sex Addict

Saturday, July 23, 2005


I'm restless.

I'm restless in three distinct areas of my life. Fortunately, I have three distinct blogs, each covering (more or less) one of those three aspects. So I'm making three entries at (roughly) the same time.

I'm restless in my sex life. I haven't written in a while. A lot of the reason for that has been that I'm in a great dry spell, and since I'm not getting any sex, it's hard to get too enthusiastic about writing on the subject. And I haven't been being a very good addict, either, given that I've turned away possibilities (even if some of them maybe weren't as certain as I thought at the moment). I feel the need for some changes. Not so much that I give up the "unrepented" part of my chosen label, but changes all the same.

I feel sort of greedy-- I know what I want, but I don't know that it is reasonable to expect to find that in a person. Granted, I believe in polyamory, but worrying about a plural relationship is jumping the gun when I don't even have a basic relationship at the moment. I have generally felt like I could be just as comfortable in a monogamous or polyamorous relationship, provided that I found the right person. Heh... talking about my ability to be happy in a mono relationship, in the context of a sex addict's blog, that's pretty funny.

I don't think that sleeping with other people is contrary to monogamy, if the other half is aware and approving. And I don't call it poly unless there is an emotional bond with the other people. If I find someone to partner with for the long-haul, and we happen to like to go to the occassional swinger's party, I would still consider our relationship mono, unless we chose to model it differently. Women like this exist, but they are a highly sought-after resource, and thus very rare.

My libido hasn't diminished. I still spend plenty of time taking things well in hand. At least once a day, unless outside sources of stress slow me down. I just feel as though the way I currently pursue pleasure isn't as satisfying as it once was, and I need more. This is coupled with some strong yearnings to move from the bay area. Either back to Denver, or someplace new. LA, maybe, or even Seattle. East coast might make an interesting change. I'd love to live in England for a while, if I could get a job that would sponsor a work-visa for me.

Even though I keep this blog focused more on sex than relationships, I'm just not sure that the scene as it exists here is quite right for me. I might feel differently if I lived in SF instead of the south bay. Or if I lived in the LA area and had connections into any sort of scene there (since I don't see myself as having the kind of cool that gets me invited to parties in Porn Valley). Part of it is the general sense of neo-puritanism that is slowly creeping across the country-- hence the musings about England. I wouldn't be so worried, if I saw more people trying to stand up to the Religious Reich. Oh, there are people out there taking their stands. But they're fewer in number these days (or at least, so it seems). I feel less and less welcomed, even living in California. But I don't want to make this into a political rant, so...

I have to re-discover excitement. That may mean moving, it may mean taking a radically-different tack on dating. Part of what makes me so restless is the fact that I don't know for certain what direction I should be looking in. It wouldn't suprise me in the least if I were to find it right under my nose, yet just out of my line of sight.




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