33 Days, 33 Posts: Day 6 - Our Relationship Is Built on Trust
It occurred to me today (and I have no idea why it only just occurred to me today, and not five days ago) that no one reading this is anywhere near me, geographically. Or, if they are, they're not someone I know personally, and therefore not someone privy to me life or having access to it. In the silly movie I referenced at the start of this (40 Days and 40 Nights, for those late to the show), Harnett's character's vow becomes the subject of a global internet betting scheme. His roommate and some of his co-workers are involved in the creation and maintenance of the site/game, so the roommate is always checking up on him (often with an ultraviolet light, to check for tell-tale spots).What I'm getting at is this: there is nothing preventing me from rubbing my dick raw, squeezing out as many orgasms as my gonads will support, and yet claiming to still be on The Program.
Nothing, that is, except an honest desire to see this through.
When it gets right down to the root of it, I'm doing this for myself, to prove to myself that I still have some degree of control over my actions and behavior. The rest of you are, forgive me for saying, just along for the ride as spectators. I need this. I need to know that I'm the boss of my dick, not the other way around (like it is with my cat). My dick has been nudging me more and more into dangerous territory, so I need to rein it in. And when I have days like today, where just breathing makes me horny, I have to let my conscious, deliberate side run the show. Even when it feels like torture, and like I'm completely alone in it. I mean, when a recovering alcoholic is jonesing for a drink, he usually has someone in his AA group he can call. OK, bad example, since there are in fact SAA (Sex-Addicts Anonymous) programs, and I could get into one and have a sponsor and all that. But that sponsor is going to want to see me go without for longer than any 33 days, and that's more than I'm willing to commit to right now.
Ah well, another day closer to my goal. Now, I worry less about obvious temptation and more about the subtle things. Like, for example, when I bought a new bed and new sheets upon my return to California I splurged on flannel sheets and a microfiber blanket. I'm extra-aware of their softness against my skin, these days.
-D
Nothing, that is, except an honest desire to see this through.
When it gets right down to the root of it, I'm doing this for myself, to prove to myself that I still have some degree of control over my actions and behavior. The rest of you are, forgive me for saying, just along for the ride as spectators. I need this. I need to know that I'm the boss of my dick, not the other way around (like it is with my cat). My dick has been nudging me more and more into dangerous territory, so I need to rein it in. And when I have days like today, where just breathing makes me horny, I have to let my conscious, deliberate side run the show. Even when it feels like torture, and like I'm completely alone in it. I mean, when a recovering alcoholic is jonesing for a drink, he usually has someone in his AA group he can call. OK, bad example, since there are in fact SAA (Sex-Addicts Anonymous) programs, and I could get into one and have a sponsor and all that. But that sponsor is going to want to see me go without for longer than any 33 days, and that's more than I'm willing to commit to right now.
Ah well, another day closer to my goal. Now, I worry less about obvious temptation and more about the subtle things. Like, for example, when I bought a new bed and new sheets upon my return to California I splurged on flannel sheets and a microfiber blanket. I'm extra-aware of their softness against my skin, these days.
-D
Labels: 33 days, addiction, navel-gazing
posted by Dausa at
9:45 PM
2 Comments:
You can adapt the 12 step program to whatever addiction you need them for. People laugh about the steps, but you, I'm a firm believer in them. If you feel that your life has become unmanageable, then I think what you are doing is a good thing. They encourage alcoholics to Walk in Dry Places, I'm curious as to why you would continue to tempt yourself with sex blogs etc. while going through this??
By
Julie, at Sunday, February 04, 2007 11:02:00 AM
I've been to some SAA meetings and then decided that sex was more of a cigarette than a drink for me - that is, the habit really annoys people, and it's not my healthiest choice, but I get a great deal of pleasure out of it and I don't lose all my money, wake up in strange places without knowing how I got there, or beat my spouse.
Thanks for linking me :) Back atcha.
By
Mandy, at Saturday, February 10, 2007 11:30:00 PM
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