Score: 23 to 5

ArousedGirl tagged me with a meme, of all things. Funny part is, I see it going around LiveJournal all the time, but I only use my LJ account so that friends can let me in to locked posts. I never post to it, so I never get tagged. Clever, crafy Girl, though, tagged me here. The basic instructions are:

1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Search the archives for the 23rd post.
3. Find the 5th sentence, or closest to.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions. Ponder it for meaning, subtext or hidden agendas.
5. Tag 5 people to do the same.

So I'm to go back in my archives, find the 23rd post I've made, and the fifth sentence. That post would be this one, and the sentence itself is:

But it got me thinking about my earlier years, and some of the people that I so desperately wanted to shag, but with whom it was not meant to be.

That sentence actually has some fairly recent relevance, as the person who is probably the most unrequited of my unrequited crushes just got married. She and I will always be very close friends, but I had to accept the fact years ago that friends would be the extent of it. Beautiful as she is physically, and wonderful as her personality is, the hard truth is that we were different in a few small-but-critical ways. But most of all, the person she married is wonderful not just to her, but for her as well.

But also, I'm in the middle of a long dry spell. Certainly I wasn't too worried about it while recovering from surgery, but aside from one (awfully nice) blowjob, it's been the first week of August since I've had any nookie. And a part of me, the part that gets desperate and throws better judgement out the window at times like this, is berating me for the opportunities I turned away last May-ish. Not that I'm second-guessing my logic or reasoning; it was the right thing to do, even if it meant settling for Rosy Palm. But like anyone, I'm occassionally plagued by self-doubt (I'm just plagued by it more often than most, I imagine). And those doubts have lately been having a field day.

I'm also in the midst of some financial problems, and I don't really have the money to be trying to go out on dates. Even a few drinks at a bar would strain my budget, let alone a nice dinner. Despite this, I find myself vainly reading the local women-seeking-men Craigslist ads, as well as the casual encounters ads. I even skim through the "erotic services" (read: escorts) section, just to "window shop". I've seen an ad in the W4M section a few times over the past few weeks that I'm 99% certain is the woman I saw in May, but chose to not pursue because I knew I'd just be using her. So not only is part of my kicking the rest of me over it, but I have the reminder.

So, I've been making due with a more hands-on approach. I've actually been playing around with sensation and technique, just to mix things up. I've been trying to achieve the phenomenon that Avatar recently wrote about, but thus far to no avail. Personally, I'd be elated if I could do that, and definately understand that fellow's sense of satisfaction at his body's function.

I've also been weeding out more of my old porn. It's kind of funny to re-watch tapes that used to set me off like a rocket, and realize they don't even lift me up any more. (That, and these days I just fast-forward any scene that has Marc Wallice in it on general principle. I don't care if the scene was shot 10 years before he falsified his HIV status. He's forever and always a turd in my book.)

So, aside from some minor regrets, I'd still say I did the right thing last May. And as for those who never were, the truth is I have more regrets over people I have fucked, than people I haven't.

I don't know if I can manage to tag 5 people, but I'll try to over the next few days...

D