Shaky Start to the New Year

I'm still trying to adjust to the various fall-out from the events in my previous post. In the two weeks and few days since then, nothing has gotten better. I seriously contemplated having myself admitted for a 72-hour watch, but ultimately personal phobias and demons prevented me from doing so. Instead, I'm making arrangements to return to therapy after an off-period of a little more than two years. On the one hand, I'm not optimistic that it'll be any more effective than it was before. On the other hand, there are two relatively good reasons why it should be better: (1) this person has strong background working with adults who are diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, and (2) part of all of this mess is me finally owning up to my long history of dishonesty. I never lied to a therapist before, but I was frequently "creative" with the information that I volunteered, and minimized things a lot. I can't say that I'll be going in on the first day with absolute 100% full-disclosure, since a lot of this is reflexive in nature. But I will be a lot more straight with this person than with those past.

I still don't know who it was that tipped off my friend in Denver. It's possible that there wasn't a tip-off, that she's saying this to make me think it, knowing that I can't help but obsess over it. Like I said in the last post, having as many lies in my past as I do contributes to paranoia, so it's easier for me to believe that there really are people here acting as friends to my face, but gossiping and belittling me behind me back. I just wish that they would have the decency to either come to me directly about the things they feel are self-destructive, or just quietly exit my life. I'll probably never know who it is, and it will probably bug me for as long as my brain is able to function.

Needless to say, this has really thrown my libido off. So what posts I make for the time being will likely be more backwards-looking. I'm not being all dramatic and proclaiming that I'm "too wounded to love", or even swearing off of sex (not even for another 33 days experiment!). I'm just saying that at the moment I just can't get into it, and lack the drive to pursue it. I have to direct that energy at getting my shit together, again. Of course, if opportunity comes up and grabs me by the ear, I'm not saying I'll turn it down, either...

Lastly (for now), my friend mentioned at several points that my continuing to write this blog is silly and pointless and that the only people reading it were either laughing at me or are/were as pathetic and disgusting as she now considers me to be. She also mentioned that she felt I must want this negative attention to feed my own self-pity, or else I would have shut this down and started a new blog under a different name. Well, all I can say on these counts is this: I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not abandoning this. Even if it reaches the point where I'm the only one reading it. As to the people who currently read, I know she's wrong there-- there are at least a few people reading that I've either met personally or corresponded with. People who are in fact living happy, healthy lives. Happiness and health that I hope one day to have in my life, too. It's worth pointing out that this same person has many times dismissed the notion of people in happy, healthy polyamorous relationships, even though I know literally dozens of people first-hand who themselves are. It doesn't matter how many people I know who are happily poly, she won't believe it. And likewise, it doesn't matter how many people I know (or who respond here) who are readers and who are not here to laugh at what a loser I am or just scour my stories for jerk-off material, she probably won't believe that either.

I have neither delusions of grandeur nor illusions of relevance. But no-one out there launches a web browser only to find themselves forcibly directed to this page. If you don't like what's here, nothing is keeping you here.