Checking In, Checking Out

Things are still, well, still. I'm back in therapy, but I can't say that I'm any better yet (not that I have any unrealistic expectations, I mean, it's only been 4 weeks or so). I lost my job, due in large part to the negative effect all this mental/emotional crap has had on my ability to perform. Job-wise, that is. Hell, perform in general. The last couple of times I've been in bed with someone haven't exactly been my best form either.

Even though I'm trying to not let any real length of time go before finding a new job, part of me has a driving desire to get out of the bay area, even if only for a few days. But even that is complicated, as I don't know where to go that's both affordable and offers the promise of a truly stress-free few days. I can't go to Colorado right now... even though the friend who is angry with me would let me visit under the current (jobless) circumstance, I'm not ready myself. Part of me wants to go somewhere completely new, part of me wants the comfort of familiarity. I only know that I'm going nuts here, right now. I haven't slept in, well, a while right now. (I very rarely see 9:30 at all, let alone am blogging at such an hour.) When I close my eyes to try and sleep, well, I'm not really relaxed by what I see there.

It's been almost two months since my last entry. I do take some comfort in knowing that even if I'm not really any "better", I think I'm on track for it. It'll just take a little while yet, and I have to hope that I have the luxury of the time it needs. I dunno... I probably shouldn't be blogging on this sort of sleep-deprivation...

Back to Familiar Ground

It looks like I'll be going back to California, rather than immigrating to England like I had planned. It's been a torturous decision for me, literally the toughest of my life. And when I think about it, I'm pretty thankful that this is in fact the toughest decision I've ever faced.

I was in London last week, interviewing. I missed seeing, for drinks, someone whose writing I greatly admire. Alas, I could tell that given the situation it wouldn't have mattered if I could have contacted her weeks in advance, as her prior plans were set well in advance. I did have a date, though, that went well. It's a shame that I won't be going back, as we hit it off so well.

But, that's the way the cookie crumbles, for now at least. Back to the bay, and back to that dating scene. I feel very different, now, though. I feel like I've missed the bay area so much since leaving, that I have an appreciation for it now that I lacked before. I feel like I have it within me to be more purposeful and self-assured. Before, I felt like I would someday return to Colorado, so I didn't try very hard at relationships out there. Now, having been in Colorado for a few months, I know this isn't going to be the place I retire to. Maybe my future home is someplace I haven't been yet, or maybe I'll just comfortably settle in California. I don't know, and right now I'm not worried about it. For now, I just have to plan my return (within the parameters of when the new company wants me to start my job).

(Posted from Mesa, Arizona, aprés turkey. Two Thursdays ago, I was in Mt. View, CA. Last Thursday, I was in London, England. Tonight, Mesa, AZ. Travel can be fun, but this much in so short a span of time sucks the asses of sweaty pack mules.)

-D

Still Not in London

Things have been almost funny-enough to rate as an evening comedy. Except people would get bored halfway into the first show and start flipping channels.

I have my work permit. I have my residency visa. What I do not have, however, is a job. Due to cuts in funding from their clients, the company I was to work for had to rescind their offer. I'm in full-on job search mode now, and have had some very promising interviews.

I got to Denver on May 10 of this year. At the time, I expected to be in London by mid-June at the latest. It is now October 10 (well, 11th to be pedantic). The person who gave me the spare room to stay in has been patient beyond belief. She's an ex-SO, and yes we've given in to the occassional urge to fool around. I think I even mentioned this before, not sure. Its a shallow substitute for actually being out and meeting someone to have a relationship with, but it beats the five-finger revue.

And that' s another thing. I've shied away from trying to date, except one attempt at placing an ad on the "Casual Encounters" section of the local Craigslist (and we all know what that leads to). After all, I'm not going to be here much longer. A few weeks at best. I've been telling myself that for over FIVE MONTHS now. It's not realistic to try and indulge in commercial sex, for several reasons; I don't have much income (and I need what I have), I don't have my own place for outcalls, and most of all the spam-to-real-ad ratio on the local "Erotic Services" CL section is abysmal. I've actually considered trying to write a 'bot of sorts, to read the ads off of the RSS feed and flag the ones that have obvious tells of spam. I would hope that CL already has something like that, but you couldn't guess it from the Denver ERS section.

I just want to be in London. I'm tired of whacking off because I don't know if I will be around long-enough to justify trying to date. At least when I find myself whacking off (excuse me, I mean "wanking") in London, it'll be because I haven't found a date, not because it isn't feasible to look. And if London completely falls through, I'll head back to the bay area. One of the really promising interviews was a bay area company. Of course, I've given up the apartment that was priced way below market, so I'm not looking forward to trying to find housing. But while I used to wistfully think of Denver, I realize now that I'd been in Silicon Valley long enough for that to become home. So if I don't get to go to Europe, I'm going to go home.

And have all the sex I can.

-D

And Lastly for Tonight-- NYC

Just a note that I will be in NYC all next week, from Monday evening through Saturday morning. I've already talked to a few bloggers about grabbing a drink or something while I'm in town, but if there are some readers in the area that I wasn't aware of, feel free to drop me an e-mail.

D

This Blog(ger) Will Soon Be Moving

In a curious twist, following on my lay-off of last month, it looks like my next permanent job will not be in the bay area of California. Oh, I'll be here for at least another month or so, as I take care of a contract with a NYC firm and some local contract work. But somwhere around mid-April or so, I'll be leaving.

Leaving California, leaving the U.S.

Unless something goes completely awry (such as, say, failing to be granted a work permit), I will be joining a company in London, England. This is at once exciting and a little scary. Maybe a little more scary than exciting, I don't know.

D

More Travel in my Future

Well, I'm back from Denver. No nookie for Dausa, I just can't bring myself to lead people on like I might have 10 years ago, and the person my friend was trying to hook me up with didn't seem to be on the same page as I was.

However, all is not lost! While sex continues to elude me in both California and Colorado, I have just learned I'm being offered a contract to do some work in New York City. Without giving away too much (and linking this blog to my Real Life Blog), the work is highly specialized, and I literally wrote the book on the subject. As in, available at Amazon or a Barnes & Nobles near you. The schedule remains to be ironed out, but I'm looking forward to it. There are several amazing bloggers in that area that I'd love to meet in person. And one or two that I'd love to do more than just meet...

D

More Soloing For CBW

All the paperwork was taken care of today, and I am now completely and officially unemployed. So I won't be visiting any pros anytime soon (well, maybe a little nibble off the severance check wouldn't hurt). As such, looks like it's me and my left hand for now. So for this Wednesday, here's what I just finished doing...

Even though I see the lay-off as a good thing for me, it still has me tense. The best way to relax my tension is a good orgasm. And not just a quicky-jerk into the bathroom sink, either. So I settled myself in to allow myself to completely enjoy it.

Lately, I've been getting rid of a lot of my porn. It's mostly old, and boring to me anymore. Same goes for the erotica I have, even the old Penthouse-letters-style magazines. So I figured I would see what I could do with just my hands and my imagination, without any priming. To do this, I laid myself on my bed all stretched out and bare. I started by just running my hands over my skin, not even focusing on my genitals just yet. I'm moderately-hairy, so I can elicit a fair amount of sensation just from doing this. This isn't meant to produce the hard-on, it's just to just warming up my sensory system, get it to start paying attention.

I started to think about some of the really hot women I (used to) work with. When I am looking at a woman as a potential sexual encounter, I think about two things: what will her pussy look like as I'm about to eat it, and how will she look while sucking me off.

(There's a young-ish East Indian woman I would have loved to chat up, but she stayed tightly clustered with other Indian women all the time-- lunch, breaks, etc. She had beautiful, playful eyes. I could easily imaging looking into them as she looked up at me from between my legs. And I loved to think about how her face would reflect what my tongue was doing to her.)

Hard-on is almost 100% now. I start to actually stroke my thighs and around the base, but not the cock itself yet.

(There's J, the cute little Asian who sits/sat right next to me. The one who could drive me crazy with just plain white cotton panties, who alas is married. I have a harder time picture her going down on me, but oh can I imaging what her body would feel like in my hands while I ate her out. Barely 5'2", I could probably hold her up to my face, hoist her in my arms while licking away.)

Now I'm totally hard. Cat can't scratch it. I'm placing my hands at the base gently, and just massaging the skin there, ticking my sac with my fingertips. I lightly start to trace my fingers up the center of the underside, along the way to the head. Light, tickling caresses.

(ML has a beautiful smile, and an amazing chest. When I think about her, I fantasize that I'm laying on my back and she's sitting on my face. I want to be able to reach up and play with those fantastic breasts. Something about her, something in the way she carries herself and her sense of self-assuredness, tells me she would give killer head.)

I don't usually use lube, and I'm not using it tonight. But I do sometimes wet my fingers with saliva, and let them play along the underside of the glans, to really whip up my nerve-endings. If I'm not careful, I could set myself off too quickly this way. God, sometimes I wish I could still bend over in half and lick myself. That's what I try to simulate with my fingers-- those tentative first few times when I could only just reach the head of my cock with my tongue. I was young-enough then that even such a tentative tongue-to-cock caress could send me over the edge. But I can't do it these days. I can take the little drops of pre-come that work their way out of the tip, take them on my fingertip and rub it on my lips, on my tongue.

(EC is the ultimate, though. Beautiful red hair, gorgeous blue eyes. A few discreet tattoos in discreet places. And a very playful, flirty nature. It is so easy to picture her nibbling and nuzzling the base, the side of my shaft, before actually taking me as deeply as she can. She has porcelain skin, and I have a ruddier complexion courtesy of my mom's side of the family. I can picture her skin against mine. I wonder if she's as red below as she is above. And I somehow know she's a screamer. I can only imagine how hard she would clamp her legs around my ears when she came.)

Sometimes, when I get really close, and I'm really turned on, I have a really strong desire to taste myself again, like I used to when I could blow myself. I imagine myself twisting around into a yoga-like position so I can aim it into my mouth. Or just letting it go all over my stomach and chest, then running my fingers through it and licking them off. It's a function of my arousal level, though, because the feeling passes as soon as I'm actually climaxing.

This time, I wanted it pretty badly again. But with my foot being broken, I couldn't go the yoga route. And like I said, once I start actually coming the desire isn't as strong. After spending about 10 minutes just bringing myself to the edge and backing off, I finally let myself finish. It mingle with the hair on my chest and tummy, and I lost the urge to take a taste. But it felt so good when the moment came. I laid here another 10 minutes or so, until I had to do something about the mess on my chest.

Mmmm... a day without an orgasm is a day lost, that you can never get back again...

Dausa

Familiar Melody

I know this tune... this is the melody of me getting laid-off by a company that is also hiring at the same time.

I'm not sure what this will mean for me. I may move back to Denver. Maybe I'll apply for a work permit in the UK and go to London for a few years.

More detail to follow...

D